Answering: How to Get a Girl Like Me—5 Things My Boyfriends Have in Common
⏱️ 11 min read | 🎧 Audio version below
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What’s a guy gotta do to get a girl like me?
I’m sometimes asked this in drool-emoji-ed DMs. I think it’s a rhetorical question, meant to be a compliment and not taken literally. But just for giggles and for serious, and at the risk of sounding horribly vain, I thought I’d respond with this open letter.
If the type of girl you want is a critically analytical, bubble-bursting introvert who is bookably attractive yet socially controversial, get out your notepads, gents! After reading this, you may not want to get a girl like me!
I thought there could be no better way to describe how to get a girl like me than by sharing what my boyfriends have in common. I’ve had four boyfriends. They’re all very different from each other but when I thought about it, there are a few traits they share that helped them to “get” me.
It must be said: I feel like I “got” them, too. The win went both ways.
So, here’s what a guy has to do to get a girl like me—or, in other words, here are five things my boyfriends have in common…
1) They’ve been to therapy.
I know I know, we’re all sick of clichéd memes about why men should go to therapy.
For the record, I think everyone should go to therapy, not just men. Spirituality doesn’t cut it for me—in fact, it’s a huge turn-off. Critical thinking, self-honesty and introspection, and the desire in action to identify your triggers, trace their origins, and work hard as hell to rewire the unhealthier neural patterns of your brain using evidence-based modalities? These are what turn me on. I do the same, striving never to ask for more than I’m willing to give.
I give a lot and I expect a lot in return. One ex-boyfriend asked if I could give less, so he wouldn’t have to give more. We parted ways soon afterward, for I don’t know any other way to be. To be fair, maybe he didn’t, either. It was still an enriching relationship while it lasted.
If a man’s been in therapy, that tells me he’s aware that he’s imperfect. Green flag.
2) They’re not the jealous type.
You cannot date a secure woman, especially one society finds attractive, and also be the jealous type. It won’t work. You’ll be threatened every time you go out together, bristling at the catcalls that come her way. You’ll interrogate her about who she was with, did anybody hit on her, and how did she respond. You’ll want to cover her up, to go through her phone, and to punch in the face every man who looks twice at her.
You’ll smother her with insecurity and she will be gone as though you never existed.
3) They’re insightful and unafraid to call me on my BS.
My boyfriends do not worship me. They’ve all adored me, cherished me, and showered me with compliments. But they’ve also disagreed with me, debated me, and let me know when I crossed their boundaries or when I was being a hangry bitch. (No, they did not use the word bitch—the wisest simply ask, “Do you need something to eat?” or, “Is your blood sugar low?” Message received. Apology forthcoming.)
I require intellectual vigor in a relationship. This necessitates a partner who can counter my arguments with their own—ideally, backing them up with hard stats and data. I quite love being proven wrong. Accuracy is attractive.
A man who matches my hole-poking with his own, especially while remaining unemotional—or better yet, playful—begets my intellectual respect. Such respect is a potent aphrodisiac for a sapiosexual like me.
4) They’re generous with their time.
This is why I’ve never dated wealthy men. I’ve dated men who happened to become wealthy but I’d take a struggling artist over a CEO any day.
I have nothing against money. I love it. But throughout my twenties, the men with money that I’d meet would be on their phones at dinner, slaves to the hustle of building, keeping, and managing their empires. Yes, there are exceptions, and I’m sure it’s different once rich men reach a certain age or perhaps certain milestones. But undivided attention is my love language. In my limited Los Angeles experience, wealthy men have more money than time.
I don’t want your gifts. I want your road trips, your moonlit hikes, your kitchen breakfast dances. I want the letter you wrote me and the figurine you carved me and the hand-drawn birthday card I keep tucked in my keepsake box. I want six-hour conversations and personality quizzes over coffee. I want books read out loud and thunderstorms chased just because they’re pretty. I’m not interested in someone who can’t give me these elements of time, thoughtfulness, and romance.*
Most of all, I want your patience. If spirituality is a turn-off, impatience is a deal-breaker. I’m more skittish than a horse.
Which is why the fifth thing my boyfriends have in common is perhaps the most important.
5) Cats.
Yes, cats. Go ahead and have a chuckle but I am dead serious.
All of my boyfriends have owned cats and this is one of the sexiest traits in the world to me. Not because I’m a cat lady—I am—but because I have a thoroughly unproven theory that men who know how to love cats know how to love women.
I know, some men have cat allergies. Such a pity. I have no comfort to offer you, only Claritin. We will never date.
Cats require a long-game approach. They’re not like a tail-wagging dog who will start licking the hand of anyone who looks their way. No, cats demand patience, insight, and coaxing. Their affection is earned not with treats and praise but with time, gentleness, and an almost supernatural ability to read body language.
You cannot make sudden moves with a cat. You must make moves with calculated deliberation and wisely strategized timing. You must touch gently yet confidently, know what you’re doing yet be amenable to being taught. You must never raise your voice. You know there are far more effective ways to persuade or prove a point.
I once said—while tripping the truth serum that is LSD—that people who don’t like cats are people who are uncomfortable with mystery.
A cat man understands this. He has the fortitude for complexity, the constitution for finicky moods, and the patience that knows his reward will be so very…purringly…worth it. The cat man is fascinated by paradoxes and undeterred by oxymorons—if there was a sixth trait my boyfriends have in common, it’s calling me a conundrum at some point or another, or an enigma. Cats are nothing if not enigmatic.
Dog men? You’re great and I’m sure many of you are wonderful lovers. But if you’re looking to “get a girl like me,” a girl who’s as skittish as she may be alluring, as cerebral as she is physical, and as loyal as she is detached, you’d best know how to love a cat—the avoidant-type kitties, not the eager greeters.
Plus, a man who loves cats knows how to stroke a pussy. (I really couldn’t help myself.)
So there you have it:
Go to therapy. Be secure, not jealous. Don’t hold back disagreements. Value time more than money. Know how to love cats.
These are the five best ways to “get a girl like me.” In return, I’ll be the least-dramatic and longest-lasting relationship you’ve ever had, so my boyfriends all say. That’s the other thing they have in common.
*Section 4 compels me to acknowledge that you may be thinking, How does a man have time for six-hour conversations and road trips and kitchen breakfast dances if he’s not rich? That’s a thoroughly fair question. All I can say is that I’m from Los Angeles, where the not-rich men I’ve dated happened to be actors. There were periods of great wealth and periods of great poverty. Their constant was financial uncertainty. My exes’ work lives were split between 16-hour days for months at a time followed by months and months of no work at all. This is what allowed them—us—to have the togetherness times we did. Also, I was fairly wealthy working as an actor myself throughout my twenties, and I do love to play Sugar Mama. I don’t know how my needs translate to other cities or professions. All I can share is my experience.
Lastly, I acknowledge that road trips are not as cheap as they used to be. One probably does need to be rich for a last-minute camping trip to Yellowstone these days.
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The cat part is the funniest part to me. Clearly you've never raised a puppy. Especially one that comes from an energetic breed like a GSP (I may be a little triggered 😆).
Patience, self-discipline, understanding and knowing how to use positive reinforcement rather than losing your shit, whenever they shit are all traits of a good dog man. Just saying 😜.
Number five! Yes! Love this so much.